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Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Tennis Reality

With the amount of dirty laundry being aired by the top tennis players of our country today, it seems as if they just do not want to play in the Olympics this year. Maybe it is because they feel not many Indians will watch the Olympics. Instead, if they reach out to the media in other ways, and provide sensational news stories, they have a greater chance of being featured on TV, and staying in the public’s minds.

I fully support them in their noble effort to let down the country and focus on cheap publicity instead. I will go one step further: I want them to reach out to as many people as possible. Here is a list of a few reality shows and game shows that can have special tennis themed episodes. After all, if they decide to sit the Olympics out, they will have to appear on TV somehow.

1. Bigg Boss 6: The no brainer. The only problem is that starts quite late in the year, and Sania, Leander, Rohan and Mahesh will need somewhere to complain about each other before that. Still, they should book their seats quickly, before all the slots are filled up with pornstars and ex-actors.

2. Satyamev Jayate: Even though the original run of episodes may not have one which focuses on the sad plight of tennis in our country, the last few weeks of bad press should be enough to convince Aamir that this is a problem worth tackling. There can also be heartrending interviews with junior players who are thinking of leaving the sport of tennis because of how dirty it’s become.

3. KBC Tennis: Every statement that comes out in the press from one of our top tennis players seems targeted at the media. It looks as if these are being written so that they will appear interesting in print, rather than to make actual accusations against anyone in particular or suggest methods for improvement. So it may be that one or all of these players will sign a book deal to tell all. Which brings me to the KBC idea – which of Leader, Mahesh and Sania will be the first to become a crorepati based solely on the proceeds from the Indian tennis scandal? Income from books, movies and press rights – in fact, anything except tennis – will be counted.

4. Oprah India: Sania Mirza recently came out with bizarre accusations of male chauvinism, despite the fact that she is easily the most respected female athlete in the country. This needs an Oprah who will do a show with her, spend a few minutes ranting about how heartless men are, and end the show with some group crying as therapy. 

5. India’s Got Talent: Recently, our tennis players have been in the news for everything except tennis. What we need is a reality show where they try to convince judges that they can actually play tennis really well – that they really have the talent to back up their shenanigans. Who knows, maybe we can take them to the Olympics and pretend it’s India’s Got Talent?

6. Roadies: Our tennis players have had it too easy for some time. What they really need is some tough love: going around the country in bikes being constantly humiliated by other contestants and judges. Embarrassing themselves shouldn’t be a problem – they’re already getting pretty good at it. They have the intrinsics right: they like to fight with everyone, and they like their fights to be public. A short crash course in how to abuse, and they’re all set.

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