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Saturday, April 20, 2024

True Lies: Usain Bolt

The fastest man in the world scarcely seems like a human being. First, there’s his speed. Second, there’s his lack of nerves. Third, there’s the fact that he doesn’t lose the big races. Ever. And there’s his name, which is probably the best possible name for a sprinter…the reasons go on and on.

So, we other humans cannot easily understand Usain Bolt, or appreciate just how fast he is. Fortunately, I have come up with a set of comparisons, by which all of us can open our eyes to the awesomeness that is the 6 time Olympic Gold winner. And they serve a dual purpose; many of them can be used for Michael Phelps as well.

Sadly, none of them is true. But they’re entertaining:

1. He can run faster than Baba Ramdev’s compulsively blinking eye can blink. He can also run faster than Baba Ramdev fleeing from the police – as anyone who has ever seen the news clips will testify, this is no mean feat.

2. He can run faster than Mamata Banerjee can identify a person who asks her a tough question as a Maoist.

3. He can run faster than Poonam or Sherlyn remove their clothes when they see a camera.

4. He can run faster than a group of children who have broken a window while playing cricket, but it’ll be a photo finish – he will only just win.

5. By 2016, he will be so fast that he will travel back in time and win the 2004 Olympics 100m event as well.

6. He can run faster than a man can shop.

7. He is faster than the wifi connection Karnataka MLAs probably buy to support their ‘habit’ – after all, HD porn is always better.

8. He can run faster than the Blackberry’s charge dies – again, this one will be a photo finish.

9. He can run faster than the mind of a Punjab Kesari reporter works – after all, these are the geniuses who routinely connect a mango with a murder committed 18 years in the past. In a different city. With a gun.

In fact, he can probably run faster than Chacha Chaudhary’s mind works, too. And that means computers aren’t even in the picture

10. He can run faster than that one girl on every shady site ever, who says that she’s the ‘hot single in your city’, no matter which city you’re in. She must have scary travel skills, but she still can’t beat Usain.

11. He can run faster than a Pakistani cricketer can call a bookie, after learning that he has been selected for the starting XI.

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