Anyone with anxiety would certainly be aware of how it clouds one’s thoughts and negates any sort of rational thinking. Anxiety is basically the body’s natural response to stress. It makes one fearful and panic as the person overthinks every possible outcome of a situation mostly in a negative aspect. But if these feelings start to hamper your day-to-day life then one may have an anxiety disorder.
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Having anxiety while dating
While anxiety as a mental disorder can sometimes interfere with daily activities such as making a decision or with your job or career, it can also interfere with your dating life. Especially when it comes to the initial stages of dating, sometimes anxiety can make it seem a little nerve-wracking. Now, especially when people are meeting and getting to know potential dates via a dating app, a person with anxiety could feel the jitters before the first date.
But feeling the jitters before a first date is pretty common. This may not particularly mean that one may have anxiety. Bumble’s Mental Wellbeing Expert, Ruchika Kanwal, Clinical Psychologist says, “People often wonder at what point in the relationship they should disclose that they have anxiety. While there is no one surefire way to answer that, you should consider opinions on your preferred mode to talk, the frequency of having such conversations and what kind of a setting would you prefer to discuss this in.“
She adds, “The word ‘anxiety’ gets thrown around a lot, particularly when it comes to dating. But there’s a difference between feeling jittery before a first date or meeting a new flame’s friends and having a diagnosable anxiety disorder. At various points in the dating journey, you might find yourself confused, nervous and have self-doubt, and that is absolutely okay to be feeling all that while you are navigating your love life.”
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What are the causes of dating anxiety?
While dating anxiety may not be an official condition, it can be caused due to various factors:
Fear of rejection or rejecting others
As per a study, (Joel et al. (2014) it was stated by the researchers that people ‘overestimated their willingness to reject undesirable potential partners who were physically unattractive or possessed traits incompatible with their own preferences, which were partially explained by a failure to anticipate their desire to avoid hurting potential partners.’ Basically, it was stated that these people fear dating not only because they fear rejection but also because of rejecting any potential partner due to any sort of conflict.
Social anxiety
People with social anxiety in general fear going out and being among people. So, meeting someone new could be especially overwhelming for them. As per a study titled ‘Examining Whether Social Anxiety Influences Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships’, it was noted that people with this disorder were not likely to have a romantic partner.
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Stress over past relationships
Anxiously attached people generally go through a similar pattern where they get too attached or fear too much when it comes to their partner. They overthink and fear letting go a little too much which may have caused emotional and mental distress before. So, the fear of going through the same loop can cause dating anxiety.
Lack of self-esteem
A person with anxiety may not always have low self-worth issues but may worry too much about how they appear to someone else or how they look. So, when meeting a new person to date, a person may feel that they are not good enough or the person on the date may not like their appearance due to low self-esteem issues.
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Techniques to date with less anxiety
While there are several ways to diagnose anxiety in general, there may be several ways in which one can manage those anxious jitters before the first date. Here are a few ways one can try:
Choosing a comfortable meeting place
A lot of times it so happens that loud noises or crowded areas make a person much more anxious. So, choosing a place which is calm, quiet or has a comfortable environment can work out better. “If you’re worried about the conversation coming to a lull or feeling the first date jitters, try an active date, like cycling or a pottery class. You can always bring the conversation back to the activity if you run out of topics to discuss! Based on your concerns, consider what environment would make you most relaxed,” adds Ruchika Kanwal.
Get to know each other well before meeting
Going on a date with someone after meeting them already in a group setting or a party is different. But meeting someone for the first time on a date after talking to them on dating apps can be slightly scary. So, if that is an apprehension then you get to know them well beforehand. “For example, you may want to have a video chat to see what their demeanour is like and how your conversation goes. This can alleviate some first-date uncertainty, as it may no longer feel like you are meeting a stranger,” adds Kanwal.
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Make it clear beforehand what topics are off limits
Every individual has a past or something they don’t feel too comfortable with. If you have talked long enough with the person and are comfortable finally meeting them, you can let them know what topics make you uncomfortable. “It’s okay to say ‘Hey, I wouldn’t feel too comfortable talking about this as of now’ or ‘can we move on to another topic, this is something I am not comfortable with discussing at this moment’”, says Kanwal.
Be honest
Whether it is on the dating app itself or while talking, it is always the best idea, to be honest about your authentic self. So, obviously, if one has lied about certain aspects such as appearance or beliefs on the profile and maybe the opposite, it can get difficult to navigate the same in person. So, being honest about values, likings and other aspect is a must to make the meeting much more comfortable.
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Other than the above-mentioned techniques, one must take the time to know and understand when they are comfortable sharing if they have anxiety. Sometimes, one can fear sharing the same and expect negative results. So, going with the flow and patience may be the key to having a smooth dating experience.