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Saturday, April 20, 2024

You Are Now Disowned

Just as the RTI seemed to have lost steam, a standard VI schoolgirl asked the PMO whether hockey, the sport in which India’s standards are comparable to football and gymnastics, is indeed the national game of the country. The Union Ministry of Youth Affairs and Sports saw this as a golden opportunity to put into action the plan it had been formulating since before the release of Chak De! India – to disown hockey; it said India has no national sport.

With that out of the way, here are a few other entities India should now proceed to wash its hands of.

1. All news channels except India TV: If there is one news channel that has 24x7x365 (and an extra one day this year) brought its viewers the most socially relevant and, as is custom, breaking news, it’s India TV. Instead of giving people what they wanted to hear, India TV educated Indians on what they should hear – from what goes on inside a cat’s head in Billi ka Rescue Operation to what goes on inside Katrina’s in Salman ke Sasuraalwale.

For its devotion to upholding the highest standards in journalism and its commitment to public service, the government should disband all other news channels. But if ABP News protests, they should, at the very least, appoint India TV as their official news broadcaster.

2. Archana Puran Singh: Natural calamities, man-made ones, and even genuinely funny jokes make no difference to Archana Puran Singh who has gained notoriety, and subsequently come under the Indian government’s scanner, for laughing uncontrollably, indiscriminately, and maniacally at everything. The Indian Home Ministry has, therefore, handed over APS’s case to the Foreign Ministry, requesting for her deportment to Costa Rica, the world’s happiest country, since her excess laughter has no place in the gloom and doom that is India.

3. Madhura Nagendra: The most famous Indian gatecrasher is now an international phenomenon of sorts, with her vapid smile and distinctive costume being photoshopped into various well-known settings, from the Last Supper to Mount Rushmore, and the Moon Landing to WC 2011. She is no longer our property; the internet has claimed her. We must let her go.

4. Every Indian B-School, except one: The Indian government needs to disown the IIMs, SPJIMR, SIBM, NMIMS, MDI, and every other MBA factory in our country, except one. The reason is simple: a lot of us like to read news in our newspapers, not see full page spreads of people in ponytails talking about how they would be #1 if only people could dare to think beyond all those colleges which are better than them.

There is only one solution – close all the other colleges so that IIPM will be the undisputed best B-School. And, as a side effect, we will have a lot less MBAs running around adding to the BS in the world.

5. Swimming: As a nation, we like to pick ourselves to pieces. So it happened that, when we should have celebrated Gagan, Vijay and Saina, some of us went on facebook and made jokes about Michael Phelps having more Olympic medals than the entire country of India in 116 years at the Games.

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